Underneath the Anger
The Concept
Anger has a bad reputation and for good reason. It is one emotion that can lead to a lot of physical pain and damage to ourselves and others. Yelling, intimidation, threats, violence, or abuse can be results of unbridled anger in our life. But anger is the expression. It tells us something is unfair, unjust, overwhelming, threatening, disappointing, exhausting, or out of control. Anger covers over something underneath. It could be fear, hurt, shame, disappointment, loneliness, rejection, or exhaustion. That’s not an exhaustive list but it does lead us to the conclusion that we need to get curious about why we feel a nuclear reactor in our chest that is teetering on the brink of explosion. What is the anger you’re experiencing trying to get you to notice? When thinking through the anger you felt ask the question, “What happened right before I became angry?” Or “What was going on around me or in me in the moments leading up to the anger.”
The Framework
So what do we do? How do we stop, notice the anger, and move forward with a response that aligns with the type of man, husband, and father that we actually want to be? The first step is to get curious, reflect on what happened. Explore the context and what was happening before, during, and after the outburst or ‘event’ occurred. Then, sit down and start writing things down. Call it journalling, mapping, or strategic planning but get out paper and a pen and do the work to first sort through the thoughts/feelings. Then, demand evidence from yourself to determine if the response was appropriate, not enough, or too much. Leave feelings out of the equation. This part of the process is facts and details focussed. Then, measure the emotion and the facts and weigh it against the values that are most important to you, the type of man you want to be and decide how you want to act moving forward, what do you need to do next? Maybe it’s repairing a broken relationship because you lost your cool Maybe it’s building structures around yourself to help you grow stronger in your ability to manage and maintain your emotional and mental health, maybe it’s congratulating yourself because you handled that situation the way you would have wanted and so now the work is to learn how to put the rocks of shame down because your actions upset other people and now you’re battling with a people-pleasing tendency.
3 Tactical Action Steps
Get curious, ask yourself questions about what happened.
Write down what happened.
Decide and implement the changes that you can make moving forward.
The Quote
"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems, not people—to focus your energies on answers, not excuses."
William Arthur Ward
